I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
