im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
