I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
3pm strippers are depressing
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
