I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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