I can't watch pbs sober anymore
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
im so drunk with asians
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever