I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways