Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
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But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
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Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...