when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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