she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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