What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
