I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Randomize
