Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
