my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
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