i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Vodka?
Forever.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
