so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize