I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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