On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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