Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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