If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
