i think my tv is drunk
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
