I met the friendliest cop last night
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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