she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
