grandma shit on top of the toilet
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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