everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I need a beard to bite.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Randomize
