Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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