chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
