dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
