Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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