when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize