So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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