Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
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I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
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