I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
