glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
