Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
