So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
