Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
