i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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