Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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