No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
