You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
