I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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