The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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