I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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