Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I forget how to act sober
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
