Having a random hookup so left but love u
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
