No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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