Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Enjoy the penises
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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