i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Randomize
