you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
