I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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