Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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