"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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