we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
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Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
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I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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