i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
