Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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