I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
