He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
