i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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